KFC Faces Chicken Shortage Thanks to Disney’s Moana.

Kentucky Fried Chicken, everyone’s favorite purveyor of delicious fried fowl is in dire straits. Currently KFC is facing a sudden chicken shortage thanks to the release of Disney’s Moana as children everywhere pester their parents for their very own Heihei. Now, KFC is urging children everywhere to stop adopting their favorite fowls lest the chicken shortage inevitably leads to a crisis of poultry proportions. But, what exactly lead to this literal “chicken-pocalypse”, and how do we solve it? How will our number one fried chicken seller escape financial ruin? But, even more importantly, how are chickens reacting to these news?

Rooster’s everywhere rejoiced as adoption rates exploded after the release of Moana. Now worshipped as a symbol of peace and hope amongst human and chicken kind, Heihei has become the hero of all chickens/roosters/chicks everywhere as his bravery helped the titular heroine Moana restore the heart of the goddess Te Fiti. Originally envisioned as an pseudo-antagonist for the film, the character was saved by a stroke of luck involving the change of a proud and cruel personality into what has been described as “the dumbest animal in Disney history”. But, the developers effort’s paid off as Heihei became the ultimately endearing symbol of hope and overcoming one’s weaknesses as he starts from useless/annoying to gradual hero. Indeed, some would go as far as to claim that it is Heihei and not Moana herself who is the true hero of the story. But, this fortunate likeability has produced an rather unsurprising side-effect.

Disney and the television industry in general is no stranger to boosting sales of whatever animals are featured of their shows/films. From 101 Dalmatians, Harry Potter, and even Game of Thrones, people become enraptured by the animals portrayed on these series without realizing the responsibilities that come with adopting a living creature. Harry Potter boosted the sales of Owls exponentially and then afterwards cause a surge in abandoned/dead birds as people failed to realize the maintenance that went into raising these creatures.  After, Disney’s 101 Dalmatian in 1997  shelters in the U.S. faced a crisis of numerous unwanted dogs as children received them for presents in Christmas time without the realization of their temperamental natures. Game of Thrones fans everywhere rushed to adopt their very own dire wolves in the shape of Siberian Huskies without keeping in mind the amount of shedding and energy these little puppers contain in those miniature and eventually large bodies.  But, none of these animals are regularly sold as sustenance by a major food chain such as KFC.

Kentucky Fried Chicken representatives declined to provide information on their current financial situation, but did issue the following statement: “We at Kentucky Fried Chicken will continue to provide out clientele with the best fried chicken utilizing our mixture of 11 spices and herbs”, but no further comments were given. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel for KFC. Inside sources claim that Kentucky Fried Chicken will be looking to adopt abandoned chickens at animal shelters as a source of poultry for their farms. Shelters for their part are seizing the opportunity for much needed funding as government agencies continue to cut funding for them. But, a major source of contention seems to be the fact that children can’t tell if their chickens are male or female when they’re babies.

One major cause for the abandonment of chickens appears to be children who expected to get roosters, but ended up getting hens instead. It seems common folk are too stupid to realize when they’ve adopted a chick of the female gender as one individual (who asked to remain anonymous) abandoned their chicken at a shelter said “they all look the same to me” and that’s when I realized I had just gotten a chicken instead of rooster. Currently shelters everywhere are overworked and tired of all the chicken droppings they’ve had to clean up in the last few months, but they expect numbers to drop sharply as Moana approaches its one year anniversary. But, until then adults are urged to refrain from buying any more chicks from farmers whose livelihood depends on KFC.




This article is a product of satire.

Dash Bomber

Dash The Bomber is a sailor is his 20's with a penchant for goofy, yet deep thoughts. An avid gamer for generations he has played everything from the Atari 2600 to the PC in which he writes his work on. He currently lives in the middle of the ocean and appreciates donations in order to buy goodies from Amazon while deployed (makes his life slightly better). You can help the guy out by donating here: paypal.me/dashthebomber.

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